I am in freefall. I don’t understand. Did I do something? Did I say something? What changed from “I’m all in” to radio silence? I call. I get a generic text. I text back. He “needs space.” The replies stop. I don’t understand.
I am choosing to have the baby. I could abort. He doesn’t get a say in this. I see that this is unfair. We DID talk about it. I swear he agreed this pregnancy is a miracle. I swear he said he was “all in.”
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I heard what I wanted to. Then why did I meet his brother? Why did he talk about me to his friends? I don’t want to marry him. I don’t need him to anchor me. I did not intentionally get pregnant because I wanted to “hook him” or needed a baby. This is not my will. This is something bigger. Is he in or is he out?
It doesn’t matter. I have to make plans. I choose Drew to move it. He’s mellow, musical and works in coffee. I start looking into day care. I choose my doctor. I choose where I will deliver. I choose to tell HR and my boss.
I distract myself and de-virginize my new passport. A Friday in TJ. A weekend in Tecate. I choose to keep my pregnancy a secret from my travel companions to see if I can hold on to the fantasy that it's not real. No. No. No. Ignoring the truth won’t work. This is actually the realest thing that I can think of and I have to pull out of the delusion. It just hurts. I don’t get it.
I am not disappointed in losing a “romantic” connection to him. It’s too soon to have real feelings. I am confused at the pivot in his actions and the lack of communication that contradicts everything I had grown to admire about him in the last 2 months. I really did like him.
As a last resort, I send a text that states my confusion and requests an explanation. He agrees that he owes me one. He asks for my email so he can get clear. Fine. I realize I should do the same. I spend a few hours writing to identify my needs, outline my values and explain my thoughts on motherhood and him. It feels good to get clear.
I hit send. I receive his. We agree to meet on Sunday (why always Sunday?!)